TMA: The Movie
by CharlesBronson
Summary: [Written back in 2001] A story about members of a town who go on crazy misadventures in an era of anarchy [Rated R for strong language, violence, sexual themes and RANDOMNESS]


TMA: The Movie   
  
In 2000, TMA was the hip place to go and still is. From generation to generation TMA has encountered several, sometimes interesting or intelligent but mostly random people/posters. Let us take a look at the empire known as TMA.   
  
Set to a 2000ish scene, where the leader of the TMA, M0rtimer is giving a speech over "Brawling".   
  
M0rtimer: This here is a wall. This here is the place you brawl. You fuck with me and you will be mortimized! In other news, come to the snack bar we have some tasty PB & J sandwiches with your choice of crust.   
  
Abe, the leader of the "Goons" steps up wearing a black hat, green pants and a "Moopy is the word" T-Shirt.   
  
Abe: People, we need more moopy in our lives. Moopy is the word have you heard? Kaff is my woman and DJ's woman and Downey's woman and so on and so on.   
  
In front of the stage was Blair acting like an ass and got mortimized. Abe stood up for him though hoping to get back-up support. A couple backed up the cause.   
  
Homer: You fascist bastard! Blair didn't do shit!   
  
Abe: Either let out Blair or your precious posters will walk OUT! You have 12 hours asswipe.   
  
(Unfortunately, Martin was asleep in his chair dreaming about Pizza flavored cereal)   
  
Hour after hour passed, warning after warning until Abe, Homer, Downey, Outlaw, DJ, and X-Man walked out to go to their promise land. They arrived at the TNA board where for weeks even months they frolicked with joy and freedom.   
  
(TNA, 8:01 A.M.)   
  
Abe: Who's the boss?   
  
Everyone: No one!   
  
A few months later, the joy ended and they decided to venture back into TMA territory where they put their dignity on the line to come back.   
  
Director Scholz: CUT! Change the camera angle to a rear view god damn. Get these guys some makeup and where the fuck are my baby back ribs? (Wipes off BBQ Sauce) ACTION!   
  
M0rtimer: So, you fools decided to come back?   
  
Downey: Yes, we have seen our past mistakes and we want to return to the garden of Eden, I mean TMA.   
  
Slam: I need sex from Kaff.   
  
Abe: I want to dance with the goons, kick the shit out of Blair and drive around in the old Bat-Mobile.   
  
X-Man: I'll be the commissioner again. Everyone gets a belt!   
  
Hurricane: HELL YES! We are home!   
  
The five walk through the gates of TMA to feed on the fruits of life, the peaches, the pears and the peaches. Yes, I said peaches twice. Anyway, The five were walking through a path where they seen none other than little Timmy Enos.   
  
Enos: My fucking kite went through the woods. I am going to go get it. Hold my balloon while I go find my kite. I'll be right back.   
  
Abe: Wait!   
  
Enos: What do you want, young man?   
  
Abe: Hail the moopy.   
  
Enos nods and runs into the woods. Abe, Downey, Homer and the gang, waited, waited and waited. It was midnight and they decided to leave seeing Enos was probably hunting squirrels or some shit.   
  
(Scene change to ENOS)   
  
ENOS: Where the fuck am I? I AM LOST! Great, I am stuck in the woods, all I have is myself and these wonderful creatures!   
  
ENOS looks toward the rabbits, the squirrels and the wolves. ENOS is suddenly attacked and get his clothes ripped off by the animals. They finally get off of him, ENOS is all cut up. Suddenly, all the animals were in labor. ENOS runs off to make a pair of bush boxers.   
  
Meanwhile, at the village of TMA, the denizens of it were discussing of making a search party to look for little Timmy ENOS, when Anti-Matt walks up.   
  
Anti-Matt: Hello, I am Anti-Matt. I am a fortune teller and know everything.   
  
Kaff: He slipped my virginity away from me! Well, if everyone else in town doesn't count.   
  
Downey: Not even me! You bitch!   
  
Kaff: (Kicks Downey in the balls) LEMON!   
  
As Downey was clutching his damaged ball-bag Kaff and Anti-Matt were making out. Abe, disgusted replies to their anxiousness to have sex on the ground.   
  
Abe: If you are going to have sex, go have it in a hut, a house, or in a cave somewhere but not here I just had some peach, ha-ha and I don't want to puke it out.   
  
Slam: Can I join in? Kaff and I were doing it ten minutes before you got here.   
  
Anti-Matt: No!   
  
Anti-Hat and Kaff go into a hut and start having wild, out of sight sex, front-ram! Breast squeeze!   
  
Kaff: Oh! Yeah! (Moaning)   
  
X-Man: (Peeks in) he-he, I have a new belt: "Worst lay of the week".   
  
Homer: He-he, I should write a song about it.   
  
Homer farts through his foot and falls through the hut landing face-first into Kaff's tits. Kaff screams as Homer starts laughing his ass off. Anti-Matt starts crying about blue balls. Suddenly, the entire hut breaks and everyone sees it.   
  
Hurricane: Wow, I think they are real.   
  
Slam: Breasts! (Jumps toward Kaff)   
  
M0rtimer: Did someone say breasts? Damn, I forgot I am married, to Morticia. Oh well, she has breasts. he-he.   
  
Director Scholz: Cut. That was good, people. Now, we have a long ways to go, so let us do lunch. I always wanted to say that.   
  
Slam: Where are we going to eat?   
  
M0rtimer: Pizza Cake!   
  
Abe: Hey, fuck Pizza Cake! I want Chinese!   
  
Hurricane: OK, we shall settle this. We will have Chinese Pizza.   
  
Downey: No figs, please.   
  
Homer still at the hut laughing while Anti-Matt is clutching his blue balls farts through both his feet as little Timmy ENOS is still lost in the woods.   
  
ENOS: (Wearing bush boxers) I need to build a house. (Starts picking up sticks)   
  
Meanwhile, Director Scholz calls Pizza Cake.   
  
Scholz: Yeah, I'll take a Chinese pizza, no figs.   
  
Kurf: That'll be 8.50. Want to buy Jewish pastry?   
  
Scholz: No. (Hangs up)   
  
Ten minutes later, they are eating a Chinese Pizza discussing obscene or semi-intelligent topics.   
  
Slam: So, I kept ramming her and ramming her, she finally came.   
  
Abe: ha-ha-ha!   
  
Homer: So I says to the guy: "Fuck you, her pussy was too sticky, felt like I was walking through a beehive."   
  
Downey: he-he-he! Yep, definite classic.   
  
M0rtimer: Whatever happened to little Timmy ENOS?   
  
Hurricane: I guess he got lost in the woods.   
  
Slam: ha-ha! Yeah, he went to get his kite and told us to hold his balloon. Fortunately, we popped the balloon about five minutes after he left.   
  
Kaff: He fell face-first into my tits. I feel so violated. (Blows her nose with a napkin)   
  
Anti-Matt: It's ok. I mean, come on, that's nothing, I caught blue balls. (Puts heating pad on nuts)   
  
Kaff has a sigh of relief as she looks down at her breasts, slightly slobbered on. She softly laughs while shoving some chicken-fried pizza in her mouth.   
  
Suddenly, a scene change to ENOS who is tracking down his food.   
  
ENOS: Come on you little shit (ENOS stares at a Silkworm he wants for dinner)   
  
ENOS pulls the net up for only the worm to slip through. ENOS, pissed off, angered, mad starts yelling.   
  
ENOS: You slick willy son of a bitch! (Picks up the silkworm and eats it) Mm, tastes like green apple gum. Hell, at least it ain't crab juice. That stuff turns me into a monster. Wait, why am I talking to myself?   
  
ENOS Voice: You're not alone Timmy.   
  
Voice #2: Yeah, we're with you. We'll have tons of conversation. What would you rather do? Have wild sex with a super model or play Twisted Metal 2 with a naked super model?   
  
ENOS: BOTH!   
  
Voice #1: Sounds like a good guy, we will have to stick around for a while.   
  
ENOS: I need advice. How do I get out of here?   
  
Voice #2: Follow the yellow-brick road. Oops, wrong movie. I mean, follow the poison ivy patch.   
  
Le Scene Switch to the others, who are finished eating their pizza.   
  
Director: OK, action!   
  
(Anti-Matt walks to his "Ask Me" booth to get a line of several strange questions)   
  
Anti-Matt: OK, you!   
  
Slam: What bad thing is going to happen to me next?   
  
Anti-Matt: This! (Punches him in the face) Next!   
  
Out of nowhere, Anti-Matts close friends Joymann and EvilED come and visit.   
  
Joymann: Oh, I broke another heart in Manhattan.   
  
EvilED: We live in Santa Cruz, asshole. Hey Matt Poodle-Head!   
  
Joymann: We're here at TMA to take some jobs. Does this town have a judge?   
  
M0rtimer: Yes, me.   
  
Joymann: Well, I'll be one too.   
  
EvilED: Ditto.   
  
Court began that day, kind of slow moving. The only kind of cases that entered were ones that either made no sense or were complete gibberish that was hard to understand.   
  
Slam: I want to file a law suit. You see, when I was at the beach yesterday, this lobster came up to me, farted and crawled off. I want to sue that lobster for farting on me. I demand 3 dollars, asshole.   
  
Joymann: Sorry, you only get $0.02 for calling me an asshole.   
  
EvilED: Too bad lobsters don't fart, cock fighter.   
  
Meanwhile, Kaff walks to the showers to wash off. Abe, Downey, DJ, and X-Man follow close behind. Kaff takes off her clothes and takes a shower in the tent-covered washroom. X-Man ties a rope to a hole in the tent.   
  
Abe: Now!   
  
X-Man pulls the rope to lift the tent which exposes Kaff and her goods. Kaff screams like a girl, falls on her ass and starts cussing them out.   
  
Kaff: You bastards! I'll get you back, you sons of bitches.   
  
The gang could do nothing more than laugh until Blair came up, acting like a bitch, whining mostly.   
  
Blair: You should respect women! Kaff, I know your an atheist, but let me convert you! Oh god, do I wish, I was a woman! I would have sweet, passionate lesbian sex. I would enjoy using a strap-on dildo and making her cum. Mainly, because, my dick is smaller than my brains.   
  
Kaff: Fuck off. You can't convert me, I am too good! (Looks down) Oops. (Runs off to put on clothes).   
  
Back to the forest, ENOS was walking through a patch of poison ivy when he started to itch uncontrollably. He scratched, scratched, and scratched and realized he had caught a rash from the poison ivy.   
  
ENOS: Ah! (Scratches). All of this annoyance for a kite.   
  
ENOS notices some patois, He pops it open and uses it to transfer into an altered state where he started seeing psychedelic images such as pink elephants, fireworks and the smell of being high.   
  
ENOS: (Laughs uncontrollably as he runs into a tree, knocked out.)   
  
Meanwhile, back at TMA. Abe, Homer, Hurricane and the "Goons" start to cuss out Blair.   
  
Abe: Fuck you, bitch!   
  
Downey: Blair, your nothing more than a Kentucky hick, fuck off.   
  
Hurricane: Let's bomb Kentucky.   
  
Slam: There is no good pussy in Kentucky, ha-ha!   
  
X-Man: Fuck Kentucky (flips Blair off)   
  
Homer: (Farts through foot at Blair)   
  
Blair: That's it Simpson, we are taking this to court. You're going to be deader than a pile of cow shit.   
  
Abe: Bring it, asshole. My lawyer here will kick your bitch ass you self-appointed fuck face.   
  
(The next day, Judge Joymann's)   
  
Blair: Your honor, the defendant an Abraham J. Simpson.   
  
Abe: Asshole, my name is Abe! Abe! MATLOCK!   
  
Blair: You'll be in contempt if you don't shut up.   
  
Downey: Settle down, Abel. You're honor. All my client did was extend his use of "Freedom of Speech". This induct over here ala Blair had it coming to him.   
  
Blair: (Interrupts) Around June of 2000, Abraham Simpson did malicious acts against TMA. This man should get the chair for what he has done. You people look at him as if he was a statue of a god. Remember earlier this year, when Abraham and Homer stole 500+ items from TMA ranging from pennies to helper monkeys. Abe insults everyone, he brawls with everyone, he is a menace to this society.   
  
Downey: Hey, redneck. Those were over six months ago. Those crimes were nothing more than a petty misdemeanor. These crimes, should be deemed irrelevant.   
  
Judge Joymann: Sustained, please continue defense.   
  
Downey: So, this proves Blair is an asshole with a severe complex.   
  
Blair: Here's my defense! You're a dick head! Chris is a stupid son of a bitch! David John is such a pervert! All he wants is pussy and ass! The rest of you are fucking idiots! AAH! (Starts shaking head uncontrollably) I'm a nut! You're a nut! We're all nuts!   
  
Judge Joymann: That's it, you are found in contempt Mr. Blair Yeany. You are sentenced to be mortimized for LIFE, with Mortimer's permission.   
  
M0rtimer: Fine by me, I must go have sex with Morticia. I'll be back in a few pages.   
  
Director: OK, cut! We need to switch the camera to little Timmy ENOS! ACTION!   
  
ENOS awakens from his altered state of highness to find his forehead bleeding from hitting a moopy tree. He rubs his forehead and uses the blood for war paint. Young ENOS starts to talk to his voices.   
  
ENOS: Oh, great voices, how many more miles before I get to TMA?   
  
Voice #1: Several more. Just keep going and you shall be there.   
  
Voice #2: You will find salvation, just keep walking, god-damn.   
  
ENOS walks for miles and miles, he finds a sort of salvation. In the middle of the woods he finds a restaurant that sells odd tasting coffee and canaille. Canaille being his favorite Italian pastry. He most certainly loved the flaky crust and the creme center like a hostess.   
  
The name of the restaurant was the "TMW Cafe". An out of the way place that barely had any customers but once had a jumping amount of them years earlier before the trees hid the establishment. ENOS enters the cafe, and is promptly greeted by the owner, Steve.   
  
Steve: Hi, I am TMW Steve, your favorite TMW whore. What can I get for you today?   
  
ENOS: Thank god. I need some canaille and some fucking coffee. I have been stranded in these woods for four days. I was flying a kite, it flew off, I walked in to find it and got lost. I am just happy to find this place.   
  
Steve: You can shut up, now. Here is your canaille and coffee, enjoy it or choke. (Watches WWF)   
  
ENOS gobbles down the canaille like shit through a goose. He slurps down the chalk tasting coffee like a baby going for it's moms tit. He wipes his mouth off with a napkin, sees the check, freaks out.   
  
ENOS: $2.50 for a cum filled canaille and shit tasting coffee?! Fuck you!   
  
Steve: Language, my TV is in this room.   
  
ENOS: Oh, sorry. Are there any motels nearby with some prostitutes? I need some fucking tang.   
  
Steve: Yeah, about 500 miles down the woods you'll find an Economy Inn where it is $7 a night to have your axe handled. Money, please.   
  
ENOS hands Steve $2 in Monopoly Money and runs off through the forest which paves the way for another scene change back at TMA.   
  
Blair walks out of the kingdom crying, as if he were shot in the balls by a .32. He walks down the road to be picked up by a bunch of hicks in an old 50's looking truck, his kind of people. They drive off into the sunset. Abe, happy as a lark after his obvious victory over Blair declares there will be a party, a bicentennial weenie roast for the Maya.   
  
The party was all set, there were dancing goons, strippers, musical entertainers such as Filbert Turtle and Buddy Gecko and the icing on the cake, free cheese for everyone. Abe was attired in his new silk tux, black with white pinstripes, looking toward Kaff and wanting to have sex with her.   
  
Downey: (Starts to dance with the goons, puts on sunglasses in the dark)   
  
Goon: Limbo!   
  
Everyone does the limbo while listening to the psychedelic sounds of Filbert's bass and Buddy's stunning tenor vocals. Kaff and Anti-Hat were doing the disco when Elliot "Evil" Ed and Vincent "Joy" Mann tackled him and threw him in a room filled with Asian sluts, Matt was quickly sexually harassed, while Abe made a move on Kaff.   
  
Abe: Hi there. Nice shoes, want to fuck?   
  
Kaff: Why not?   
  
They walk in the hut, have sex, Kaff moans uncontrollably with her mouth open, she walks out in her pajamas all sweaty as Abe walks out wearing a white t shirt, cowboy hat and sunglasses while in his underwear. He slides across the concrete as Gecko & Filbert play "Old Time Rock n' Roll".   
  
Abe: (Sticks a cigarette in mouth, smiles) Let's get this party started! (Eats some cheese)   
  
Suddenly, a stranger arose from all the rowdiness and laughter, a man known as Mr. Jackknife. Jackknife was a semi Twisted Metal fan sporting the "I love Sweet-Tooth, Who Doesn't?" t shirt. He speaks.   
  
Jackknife: Hi, I am Mr. Jackknife. I have some pretty cool ideas for a Twisted Metal game. I will call it "Twisted Metal Gold". Anyone seen Die Hard? Well, the traffic will be like it. The specials will be weird!   
  
Because, I said so and because my ideas are great.   
  
Abe: Those ideas are un-fucking twisted. This is Twisted Metal not mother fucking "Freeway Madness" you prick.   
  
Homer: I mean come on, I know of some potato chips in New Hampshire that come up with better ideas than this shit.   
  
(2 Days later)   
  
Laurel, another resident/denizen of Santa Cruz arrives, which sparks a conflict of Yeany, I mean many proportions.   
  
Laurel: Hi, I am Laurel Chan, friend of Kaff.   
  
Jackknife: Oh Laurel, oh, oh, oh!   
  
(M0rtimer pulls off the mask of Jackknife to reveal, dun, dun, dun, Blair Yeany)   
  
M0rtimer: I told him to keep his dick in his pants and he'd never be found out, but did he listen to me, hell no?   
  
Abe: Let's burn him to the stake!   
  
Downey: Let's murderlize the cheap fuck.   
  
(Meanwhile, ENOS made it to civilization)   
  
ENOS: This isn't TMA, you asshole voices. This is Los Angeles, Twisted Metal tournament.   
  
ENOS runs off to the ice cream parlor in the level, hides out in the bathroom, talking to himself. He has a sigh of relief until he hears the sounds of Shadow who is nearing his special toward the parlor. The tremors became loud and louder. The special finally detonated taking out everything but the bathroom ENOS was in. Mr. Slam going full speed (not counting turbo) runs into the bathroom, slamming a pile of bricks onto ENOS. ENOS, enraged speaks up.   
  
ENOS: Fuck you, Whittle-Bone! (Throws a brick at Mr. Slam who quickly 360's and starts driving toward ENOS)   
  
ENOS runs off in front of the fire pit, Mr. Slam gets closer, ENOS moves two seconds before Slam got to him, resulting in Slam being burnt to a crisp. The winner of Los Angeles, was Shadow. War after war began until ENOS survived to make it to Hong Kong. ENOS immediately gets in a subway train. For a moment, he felt safe until two cars were fighting besides the train. Twister and Sweet-Tooth were kicking each others ass until Twister let off a whirlwind resulting in Sweet-Tooth's untimely death for about the third time.   
  
The whirlwind sucked up the train and threw it into the wary streets of Hong Kong, ENOS and a mime were the only survivors while everyone else died from severe concussions or were split in half. They speculated the fight until only one car was left, Shadow. Shadow was facing the Dark Tooth. Within forty-five seconds, Shadow was dead, Dark Tooth was halfway dead.   
  
The mime ran to the fence by the ships, got on it and signaled Dark Tooth by flipping him off. Dark Tooth started bunny hopping and then hit the turbo killing the mime and the vehicle of Dark Tooth as he fell into the acidic ocean.   
  
Dark Tooth's head laughed as he saw no more survivors of the horrendous tournament. ENOS got some machine guns off the cars and whistled. Dark Tooth's head turned around to be killed. ENOS made it to New York. Calypso walked up to him, smiled evilly and asked what he desired.   
  
ENOS: I just want to be back at TMA where I am happy.   
  
Calypso zapped ENOS and ENOS was back at TMA but still had the broken arm, cut leg, and slashed stomach but he didn't care, he was just glad to be home. ENOS saw the denizens of TMA sacrificing Blair and ran up to join in.   
  
Homer: Holy shit, ENOS is here. I thought he was dead.   
  
ENOS: Nope, I was lost in the woods. 


End file.
